where do I go from here?
As for this day, i could say that I am a confused little soul. I am about to become a nurse and yet I’m not so excited about it. Deep down in my gut I know that i am not a hospital ward material. I cannot work on the hospital for the rest of my career life doing the routines of v/s taking, medications and piling up paper works. I want to do life saving measures without limited course of actions. I want to be a doctor working on camps or tents with people who really need medical attention. I have no idea though how to get in there. And if ever I figure out how and where to start, I would feel guilty of pursuing it. Within me, I know I still have to fulfill some obligations to my family. Where’s the money in doing my dream? All I could hear is about making money out of Nursing. All i could ever feel is that I am bounded by debt of gratitude and that I have to go with their plans and consider their advise. I have so many great dreams and plans right now (but they are so far from acquiring big bank accounts or a house). However, i really feel so limited and constrained.
After six long years of serious searching for my mission in life, I know I have to be rejoicing by now. It’s clear to me that I have already found it .My heart really beats for helping other people through medicine and counseling. I could die for this task. Whenever I touch a sick person’s hand or give counseling and prayer to a person seeking it from me, I just can’t help but to thank God for that wonderful priveledge of touching someone else’s life. This is what i really want to do for the rest of my remaining time here on earth. I am so excited about it that I don’t wan to wait for my retirement as a nurse before i pursue that. A lot of people I know also want to serve on missions… but that’s after they retire. I guess when they no longer have anything else to do. But I don’t want to wait that long. I even feel that i have already wasted a lot of time. I’m not getting any younger. When will I be able to be a full fledged doctor? 30 or 35? Oh man! that’s already too late. LIfe is too short. That’s why I am already kinda pressured already though I know very well that there is a precise timing for everything. Perhaps there’s really nothing else that I could do right now but to put all my hopes up high to God. He’s really the only one who understands me.
It’s a Sunday today and something I have not expected happened. After attending the service, I helped on our booth. I was actually kinda reluctant at first because I want to spend more special moments with God. But since I have already made a commitment, I was left with no choice. I went there just to fulfill my commitment. I never thought God would use me on something more important than what I’ve been doing on income generating activities. I was reading history while there were no customers or people around. Then I would just smile on anyone who were just passing by. Sometimes I got to fool around with the mischievous kids:) Suddenly, one woman came to me asking about where to have a counseling. I gave her the information she needed but ,apparently, she already had those info. She was already in desperate need of prayer and counseling that she could no longer wait for the schedule. Well, we can’t blame the system for scheduled counseling since pastors are really busy. She seemed tired so I offered her a seat. Little did i know that I was about to be her last resort. In my surprise, she suddenly poured out and told me everything about herself and her sick child having Down Syndrome and Primary complex. As a nurse, i gave her some advise. Then she suddenly asked for prayer after telling me her sad and complicated story. I just knew that she needed it right that moment so I gave counseling and prayer right there and then. At first I felt kinda reluctant because I was in the church and people there know that it’s more of a pastor’s work… and obviously i’m not a pastor. But I do believe that that person really needed someone to talk to and someone to pray for her …so there I laid hands on her with all the people passing by our booth.
After she left, i finally understood why God had put me on that booth this afternoon despite of my plans. This experience even made my desire to help others grow deeper. My plan of joining a mission group was also rekindled this morning during the sunday service. My heart is filled with burden right now. I want to do a lot of things and attempt great things…. but I feel so bound to my debt of gratitude to my family. Who should I help first? Isn’t it given that family comes first?
Oh well…. bahala na si Lord!:) I have no idea where to go from here.
